Return to The Forest and the Sea

The Woods .......
New England, USA, August 1996

It was not until twenty five years later, in a regrowth forest in New England, the United States, that my grief at being ‘ripped from my mother land’ finally arose. As a part of an experiential workshop, I went on a one-hour mini-vision-quest, where each of us wandered off alone into the forest, opening ourselves to any experiences we might have. Not expecting anything profound to happen, I ambled over tumbled down dry stone walls around which the forest had grown again. (A hundred years ago, they had made fields for sheep.)

Wandering deeper and deeper into the forest, I followed my ancestral path, until I sat amongst the mosses and toadstools and inhaled the fresh muddy scents of the English woodland. Suddenly, I was transported ‘home’, not to Australia, which I had consciously thought of as ‘home’, but to the springtime woods of England, surrounded by bluebells and the sounds of sweet songbirds. The longing for my roots in place had never been so strong, and I was shocked that after nine months of international travelling, I was not home-sick for Australia, but for my birthplace. Then I was surprised that I had not consciously experienced this feeling before, that I had not yet grieved this loss of rootedness to place which had happened in my own lifetime! Not letting these thoughts interfere with my imaginative journey, I picked up the feather of a bluebird, a magic feather, which I let lead me through the forest to an open glade, with a shaft of sunlight penetrating the deep green. It was here I ‘saw’ the White Lady.³

White Lady
carry me o’er the waves
to my home
Deep in the forests of oak and birch
and beech

Carry me o’er
to my home
so that I may follow
the walls of stone

deep into the time
of my ancestors
my teachers
the old ones
who may guide me on my journey

Allow me not
to stray from my path
so deep in the greens
of moss and lichen
soft ferns
beneath the ancient trees
towering with strength and wisdom

Oh White Lady...
carry me to the Sacred Grove
shining silver with your magic
and your silent song

On this journey, I asked many questions of the forest, and of the White Lady, about my connections with Britain. Why was it important to me? What had I been separated from? Did I need to return to the land of my birth?

I found that it was not simply the environment of my childhood nor the cultural experience of nature in contemporary England which I was missing, but something much further back in time. The woods and the ancient stone walls were connecting me with my ‘material’ roots, the web of women from whom I was born, and from whom I wanted to learn. My feelings of loss were to do with feminine Earth wisdom, the genetic and cultural lines of women who would have shared their deep knowledge of the land, their medicine and rituals with me. I realised that my profound grieving for my maternal grandmother when I was nine, was not only personal but a huge feeling of being ripped from the earth of England. She, with whom I had felt a magical connection, symbolised my connection with the faeries and the spirit world of the woods and gardens. Where now was the counsell of wise women, those who could guide me on my Earthly journey?

At this point, I asked whether I needed to return to England, to live there, in order to reconnect with my indigenous roots. The answer was clearly “no”. “The old ones are gone.” said the forest. No matter where I was, I would have to connect with them on a spiritual level, through dreams and ritual and imagination. I could visit special places and sacred sites in Britain and I could read books about ancient times and Wiccan lore. I would not regain my roots by living once more in that land.

My experience of the graceful White Lady and the forest of which she was a part taught me much. The power of dislocation from my indigenous roots had never been so obvious to me. The power of the ‘European’ forest to reconnect me to them was also made clear. Was this why the Australian rainforest had been such a powerful experience of healing and transformation for me? ⁴ Six years earlier, in Far North Queensland, I had been strongly drawn to the rainforest from my home by the sea when I suffered what would be conventionally termed a ‘nervous breakdown’.

Continue to The Rainforest - My Story